Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Zombies need killin'

A recent post by James F. Elliot, on his blog Often Right, Rarely Correct, prompted readers to list their preferred zombie slaying weapons. I offer some of my favored implements of undead destruction below.

Remington 1100 auto-loading 12ga with 10 round extended magazine. A non-reflective Parkerized finish or camo cover (Mossy Oak Breakup is the new basic black) is preferred; zombies are attracted to shiny objects as well as movement. Great close range knock down power using buckshot, with long range capability when using slug ammunition. Clip fed weapons can provide more rounds at once, until you've emptied all your magazines, and then they're awkward and time consuming to reload under pressure. The shotgun can be back in action more quickly, and reloaded on the run. Also, 12ga ammo is one of the most widely available rounds at your local post-apocalyptic sporting goods department.

Battle-axe, if you've got the strength to wield it properly. Better than what you'd find at the hardware store; the rounded blade is less likely than that of the standard axe or hatchet to get wedged (and you will get it wedged) in zombie flesh when you fail to completely lop off that head or leg.

Dagger. The Gerber MkII with titanium nitride finish is a good choice. A quick poke in the medulla can completely incapacitate the biggest of the lumbering undead. Best used from behind, but still effective in the "hug position" if you end up dancing cheek to cheek with a flesh eating fiend.

Telephone patch cord. Doesn't everybody have at least six of these things lying around the house from all the computers, modems, and phones they've bought over the years? They make great trip wires when strung across doorways and stapled to the frame. Having that first one go down, and the others fall on top, can give you a few precious seconds to grab your weapon or jump out a window before the whole horde piles in on you.

Aerosol hairspray. It stings zombie eyes too. Yeah, they can still smell you out, but at that point you've already burst out of your hiding place and gone on the offensive. Also, a little V05 extra hold combined with a Bic lighter can really get those staggering buggers fired up, if you know what I mean.

4WD truck. Ford, Chevy, Toyota, brand really doesn't matter. Just run over'em; windows up, air conditioning on, death metal cranked. Hell, drink a beer if you want (but just one; gotta stay sharp). Oh, and wear your seatbelt. Safety first, you know?